– Appreciation is a key factor in coaching –

Besides the knowledge that the constant interaction of a person with his environment, have a strong influence on him, the appreciation of the counterpart is a cornerstone of the systemic attitude. 

Without appreciation, a coach does not believe that the coachee

⚡️has a relevant issue/problem, if it seems simple to the coach
⚡️himself can find a solution
⚡️already has all the necessary resources
⚡️he knows the system better than the coach
⚡️has a different reality than the coach
⚡️is response-able and capable of acting

As a result

👉🏻 the coach does not take the coachee and his problem seriously
👉🏻 the coach advises the coachee and forces his solution on him
👉🏻 the coach only points out things to be learned
👉🏻 the coach does not meet the coachee at eye level
👉🏻 the coach imposes his opinion and values on the coachee
👉🏻 the coach has pity instead of compassion

Appreciation is associated with respect, sympathy and kindness. It is the key to successful coaching.

How important is appreciation in your life?

Reality is the same for all of us, isn’t it? –

Reality is absolute, immutable and equal for all?
Wrong!

There are of course immutable facts in our reality, which are identical for everyone. However, we all perceive our world through filters. 

🦻🏻 Through our senses
🌍 Through our experiences
🧠 Through our thoughts
🙀 Through our feelings
🧞‍♂️ Through our desires

These filters are different for each person. Therefore, each person perceives the same facts differently and constructs their own reality from them. 

👉🏻 That’s why no two people react identically in the same situation. 
👉🏻 That’s why everyone tells a different story about the same situation.
👉🏻 That is why one finds something hurtful and the other does not.

Very nicely illustrated is this in the news square of Schulz von Thun and in the wheel of consciousness of Michael Pauck.

I could observe this very well during my active time as a ballroom dancer in the highest amateur class. 

One thing is of course the abilities that one has or does not have measurably. But at least as big a part is what one believes about oneself (or the others). Because if I don’t believe in myself, I perform differently. My whole body language radiates insecurity. The judges perceive this (subconsciously) and immediately conclude that one can do “nothing”. The own constructed reality becomes real.

Exactly at this construction of reality a coach starts and helps his coachee to take other perspectives. In this way, supposed weaknesses can become strengths, beliefs can dissolve and new behavioral patterns can emerge.

– Do you sometimes do something automatically, even though you don’t want to? Like an inner “Operating System?-

You know that annoying little voice “That’s not good enough yet” or “Do it faster” ?
I know them well – and so do many other people.

In coaching (and psychology) these little voices are called “inner drive”. They determine our thoughts, actions and feelings and become especially loud in exceptional situations. Often they are even the trigger for our stress or conflicts – especially if someone’s driver is excessively strong.

There are 5 different drivers that are present in each of us, but vary in intensity:

💎Be Perfect

😻Be Pleasing

⚡️Be Quick

💪🏻Be Strong

👏🏻Make an effort

The inner drive is based on beliefs that we have internalized for years to such an extent that we are not aware of their influence. Thus they are also not consciously controllable for us. A driver that could actually be a strength quickly becomes a weakness.

Where is our self-determination if we are not aware of the drivers that influence us so strongly?

Would you like to know your drivers in a simple test and thereby gain control? Here you go:

Online-Test Innere Antreiber

– And therefore especially for leaders who want to enable change –

I don’t like sandwich ❗️ 

At least not as feedback 

So often in communication and leadership training I have been taught to always present the negative feedback with a slice of positive feedback before and after – the so-called sandwich feedback: 

“Your presentation was great. Unfortunately, topic X was missing. At least you explained topic Y great” 

👉🏻 Honestly: 
I find such sandwich feedback almost an insult to the intelligence of the recipient. You smell a rat right away and feel like you’ve been made fun of. 

In addition, depending on the type of person, the praise is either completely devalued or the criticism is overheard. If it goes badly, the recipient is also conditioned in such a way that he expects a criticism after each praise in the long run. 

👉🏻 Of course the thought behind it is correct: 
If you feel appreciated by the feedback provider, it is much easier to accept suggestions for improvement. 

However, when used as a method, it seems very artificial to me and not meant honestly. 

👉🏻 In contrast, I find the idea of the relationship bank account much better: 
Those who regularly pay into it over a longer period of time through praise, support, interest, etc. can also take off from it if they express constructive criticism in clear words. 

So to speak a sandwich over a very long period of time. 

For the actual suggestion for improvement, I like best the „SAY IT” simply method. But more about that in the next post.

– At least none which makes sense –

Well probably there is but in my eyes it doesn’t make sense at all⚡️

It is actually quite straightforward. 
We are not living in a vacuum but are influenced by the people 👩‍👩‍👧‍👦 around us. The way we behave in a specific situation highly depends on the reaction of the other persons involved. Equally if we behave suddenly differently in a similar situation, other people will start to change their behavior as well. A new equilibrium is established (which possibly tiggers further changes).

This awareness that we are all part of many different systems – a team, a company, the family, friends – which influence us is the key assumption of a systemic coach. Therefore a coach will always help the coachee to discover every possible (external) impact for the topic the client wants to work on. 

Only then the change can succeed. 
Only then the change will be lasting.

👉🏻 The conclusion is that there is no businesscoaching without lifecoaching. Or the other way around: if the business coaching shall be successful coach and coachee must look at the private life as well.

👉🏻 The second conclusion is that the only expert for the chosen topic is the coachee, only he knows all the different systems well enough. Any solution the coach could offer, never will be correct for the client since it would be a solution for another system.

A great coach has therefore the skill to accept the different reality of the coachee without any judgment. He is able to dive into the world of the client, to forget his own experience in life and see through the eyes of the coachee. From there the coach develops various hypotheses, tests the reaction and adapts. That way he helps the coachee to develop his own new ideas for a solution.

The change begins.

Which situations did you experience where your Change in behavior triggered a different behavior of somebody else? Which new possibilities opened up?

– Clearly yes! –

Both have a lot of commonalities…

The systemic, solution-oriented approach was the same breakthrough for coaching as agile methods were for software development 👉🏻 a small revolution in mindset that allowed to achieve better results much faster.

Both have similar values and principles

Agile Manifesto:

★ Individuals and interactions over processes and tools
★ Working software over comprehensive documentation
★ Customer collaboration over contract negotiation
★ Responding to #change over following a plan

Systemic attitude:

★ Individual persons over standard „rules“ how a person has to be
★ A working solution over „documenting“ comprehensively the past
★ Collaboration with the client over negotiation “who has the best solution”
★ Adapt to changes in the system over laying out the perfect plan once

Induced behaviour for both:

 👉🏻 Openness & transparance – Allow and accept different opinions
👉🏻 Courage – Be honest to others and yourself
👉🏻 Respect – Trust the competencies of the counterpart
👉🏻 Commitment – Accept own responsibility and trust others engagement
👉🏻 Focus – Clearly define the goal and go for it
👉🏻 Continuous Learning – Adapt to the changes introduced by your actions/deliveries

Commonalities in practise:

Both the systemic and the agile approach are very aware that they are operating in a dynamic, continuously changing system that is influenced by their behavior. With each change/code-release, one has to adapt again to be successful. Nobody can act independently, a lasting solution is only possible in collaboration. A fixed plan from the beginning will fail.

Therefore an overall cycle is defined with the final goal broken down into small, self-contained session/sprint goals. The client/customer is responsible for these goals, only he can judge whether they have been achieved or need to be adapted. 

A key component for both is the confidence in the competence and willingness of all involved.

The focus is on a working solution not on the failures of the past. Retrospectives take place for reflection and new ideas, not to blame – a crucial difference to earlier approaches. 

Regularly everybody reflects where they are and where they want to go, what is (not) working, what has changed. Then the next short-term goals and steps are planned.

The similarities are even evident in sayings such as that of Steve de Shazer for the systematic approach “It’s simple, but not easy” and in agile “Scrum is easy to understand, but difficult to master”.

Realizing those similarities, I found it very fascinating how such similar attitudes and approaches can appear in such very different fields of profession. It seems time was simply ready for this attitude in all facets of life.

Did you ever before realize the similarity between agile methodology and systemic attitude? Let me know what other similarities you see

Imagine you are planning a big BBQ with all your friends but then last minute a thunderstorm is coming up. You can’t change the weather but it is your choice how you respond to the fact. You can either dwell how unfair life is or you can decide to still have the best party ever and take actions accordingly. 

Nobody and nothing in the world (not even the weather) can force you to respond to a situation in a certain way. You are always able to react in the way of your choice. You are response-able. 

At every moment of your life, with your response, you take on the role of either the victim, the haunter or the rescuer. (You can also be the observer if you are not affected). Usually we tend to take on one of the roles more often than the others – and this role determines how we live our lives.

Still this role in life is not fixed. In every interaction we change the role several times. For example if we feel as the victim we often start to defend our self, get aggressive and with it start to be the haunter. Quickly it becomes a vicious circle, where people blame each other.

In the end everybody loses and all involved people feel as victim in one way or the other. The only possibility for a good, lasting solution is to step out of that vicious circle.
👉🏻 Stay calm, be neither aggressive nor give up
👉🏻 Decide consciously for the alternative: solving the problem together
👉🏻 Avoid power games
👉🏻 Stick to the facts
👉🏻 Don’t blame but explain
👉🏻 Repeat until successful

What is your choice in life?
Did you ever take on response-ability and try to change your favorite role?
Leaf a comment and let me know what happened